the noun and the verb

As a chronic dream-procrastinator, putting off the action part of visionary plans is nothing new to me. Doing is so much more committed than thinking. A verb holds much more truth than a noun. Take for instance dreams that involve a claimed lifestyle: a writer, a carpenter, an adventurer, a musician, a fisherman, a teacher. The activities that these titles suggest are time-consuming, require some level of skill, and usually indicate a certain way of life or associated personality traits. Yet anyone can claim to be anything they fancy, and who's to make the accuracy call? And for what reason? Achieving the title of these "occupations" if you will (as in occupying your time, not necessarily occupying your bank account), takes a heck of a lot less effort than actually writing, carpentering, adventuring, making music, fishing, or teaching.

Excuses abound. Eventually I begin to doubt the possibility of individual dreams, based on "situations". Frustration begins its' insistent simmering and tends to boil over into futility.  I can't even imagine how many times I've muttered, "and you've called yourself a writer!" as if it's a static status that's so easy to cull off into that pile of discarded dreams lying in the dusty corner.  As if polishing up the verb and making use of it is a truly daunting task! Excuses are easier to find than the time to put effort into a dream.

I've been a little intimidated by the prospect of "doing" much more than mothering right now. For one, I tend to think that anything worth doing is worth my undivided attention, and I just can't offer that much of myself at this moment. So the things I find myself "doing" are the more mundane, menial, thoughtless actions associated with everyday existence. Sewing, knitting, rearranging furniture so that my son stays out of danger, cleaning, cooking, putting up food, tending the fire. And these things fill up my day with the repetitive motions of necessity. The funny thing is, this puttering existence  is extremely conducive to daydreaming and planning. Ironically, this only causes more frustration and a certain sense of hopelessness at the realization or belief that I don't have the time to see any of these plans to fruition.

So I put off endeavors until that time "when I have the time", or ""when Bo demands less constant attention". I have to remind myself that this future time for completing projects is not a fable, that it is still so early in my journey of motherhood. I remember to look at other families a few years ahead on that same path, and I'm reassured that I will be able to build a sauna in a few years. We will eventually find the time to build a home for ourselves. I might one day have the patience, concentration, and determination to learn to play a musical instrument. And finally, the obstacles I encounter while attempting to retrieve these dreams will be sufficient fodder for fueling my drive to become a writer, or more appropriately, to write.

Decidedly, the verb creates the noun and precludes any other outcome. And I guess this blog is nothing more than yet another (verbal) attempt at reclaiming the rightful ownership of the noun (Writer). The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.